The Art of “Thou-ness”

 

How does the change of attention from self to the other act as a vehicle to transcend excruciating loss?

 

In the inspired work by Etsko Schuitema he describes the highest aspirations of being human as follows:

I am generous, I am courageous, I see things as they are, I am deeply grateful, I trust life, I submit unconditionally and I am in awe.

 

The account that follows is a love story and a personal account of a woman on her journey; by wrestling with her need for “security” and “significance” and the search to achieve her higher aspirations. How she was stripped of both security and significance at various points when she was at her “best” behaviour, through the experience of personal loss.

 

It is also the testimony of a witness who by Grace of the original Benevolent Spirit was returned to her original state, to witness The Beloved and discover the Art of “Thou-ness”.

 

What is the Art of Thou-ness?

 

Viktor Frankl describes love as follows in his work the Doctor and the Soul first published in 1955

 

” Without any contribution of his own, without effort or labour-by grace, so to speak- a person obtains fulfilment which is found in the realization of his uniqueness and singularity.

In love the beloved person is comprehended in his very essence, as the unique and singular being that he is; he is comprehended as a Thou, and as such is taken into the self.”

As a human person he becomes for the one who loves him indispensable and irreplaceable without having done anything to bring this about.

The person who is loved “can’t help” having the uniqueness and singularity of his self-that is, the value of his personality-realized.

Love is not deserved, is unmerited – is simply grace.

But love is not only grace, it is also enchantment.

For the lover, it casts a spell upon the world, envelops the world in added worth.

The gates to the whole universe of values are, as it were thrown open.

Thus, in this surrender to the Thou the lover experiences an inner enrichment which goes beyond that Thou; for him the whole cosmos broadens and deepens in worth, glows in the radiance of those values which only the lover sees.

 

 For it is well known that love does not make one blind but seeing-able to see values.”

 

 

Excruciating loss –

 The loss of personal identity

 

The Narrative Therapy School speaks about how our identity is closely tied to the roles that we play and the relationships that we have. This means that when these roles, relationships are lost, part of whom we are dies with it, this death is described as an excruciating loss.

 

Relationships such as our spouses, parents, children, siblings, friends and colleagues all give us feedback about who we are. We build our dreams around them and fantasise about how we will grow old together, sitting on a veranda and smiling blissfully about the good old days and sigh – look at us now…

 

What if this sense of permanency is challenged and loved ones and other significant others cannot live up to this expectation?

 

 This may happen for various reasons, they abandon us wilfully or through death; they fail us because they were not ready to meet the needs that we so desperately wanted them to fulfil; maybe a need for recognition, to be loved, to fill the gap that another significant other was not able to fill, to correct the wrongs of another from the past, or simply to be a by-product of our legacy.

 

Can we accept that every being that enters life as we know it has its own unique path to travel, and in the illusion of togetherness our journey remains, essentially that of the solo wayfarer?

 

M. Scott Peck in the Road less Travelled explains-

 

“Although the act of nurturing another’s spiritual growth has the effect of nurturing one’s own, a major characteristic of genuine love is that the distinction between oneself and the other is always maintained and preserved. The genuine lover always perceives the beloved as someone who has a totally separate identity. Moreover, the genuine lover always respects and even encourages this separateness and the unique individuality of the beloved.”

 

Martin Versveld is quoted by Etsko Schuitema in Intent Exploring the Core of Being Human – “Evil is about consuming the other to gratify the self. It is about taking, raping and cannibalising. The diabolical command to the other is “come here and be me. I want to consume you”.

 

 

We are all destined to die before the day we were born and will take many decisions and make many choices some big and some small that will define our destiny.

 

We will forcefully or voluntarily submit to discover our eternal destination of submitting our will and ego to discover true Power and ultimately Ecstasy transcending relationships and circumstance.

 

 In the words of M. Scott Peck in the Road Less Travelled – he refers to “Renunciation and Rebirth”, “The process of giving up the self (which is related to the phenomenon of love …) is for most of us a gradual process which we get into by a series of fits and starts. One form of temporary giving up of the self deserves special mention because its practice is an absolute requirement for significant learning during adulthood, and therefore for significant growth of the human spirit. I am referring to a subtype of the discipline of balancing which I call “bracketing”. Bracketing is essentially the act of balancing the need for stability and assertion of the self with the need for new knowledge and greater understanding by temporarily giving up one’s self – putting one’s self aside so to speak – so as to make room for the incorporation of new material into the self…

 

The discipline of bracketing illustrates the most consequential fact of giving up and of discipline in general: namely, that for all that is given up even more is gained… The pain of giving up is the pain of death, but the death of the old is the birth of new.”

 

 

A Witness Account

 

Transcending the struggle with the need for security and significance by submitting to the experience of loss:

 

The Longing

I am Looking at the Longing

Anxiously grasping to fill the void

In people, places, experiences, knowledge…

Knowing that this thirst was already quenched millennia before

I desire to discontinue the search

To (Sabr) Accept what already is -Fulfilment

 

I tried my best to uphold the status quo of the people in my life because I needed to feel secure by their presence.

 

I am not competitive, I always had a belief that there is enough for everyone, but good intentions were stifling my ability to transcend, as it is often in “good” behaviour and our strong traits that the greatest deception lies.

 

Who said that the road to hell is paved with good intentions?

 

When my Intent is for the other’s existence to meet my needs, regardless of how noble my behaviour seems, it still represents an inner state of distrust and outer state of fear/ cowardice and an inner state of expectation and an outer state of greed.

(From the model Malevolent Intention/Benevolent Intention, Etsko Schuitema)

 

As Etsko Schuitema explains, we are of mixed motive and we are neither solely greedy nor benevolent.

 

This struggle to move from Malevolence to Benevolence was more visible in my career. On the surface my motives seemed magnanimous as I was driven by developing others.

 

 I was faced with the harsh reality of the pain that I experienced when the recognition that I was seeking did not follow my contribution. Quite the contrary I was severely criticised.

 

Faced with, what my true intent was, I realised that part of what I was seeking was significance. Whilst my behaviour seemed pure, if I were so affected by criticism, I was still playing in the field of expectation/ greed and distrust/fear. Although I was not overtly arrogant, my narcissism was far more subtle, but alive to the point where I burned out, out of sheer disappointment. Burn-out came in the form of chronic fatigue syndrome, and was a very real physical manifestation of absolute exhaustion.

 

This was my inevitable face to face meeting with my ego. What a shocking discovery, I had one too!

I started witnessing my ego, showing up more often than not, as a consequence of past pain and my consequential neediness.

 

It was realising that part of what I sought was significance, recognising my ego and finally burning out that led me to the beginning of my journey.

 

It was amongst the vastness of the Dune Fields in Port Alfred that I looked up at the Light House and realised that I have always been taken care of. I returned to where we stayed and said, “I did not leave my fear behind, but brought back my gratitude instead”.  Gratitude was the catalyst to the rest of the journey described here.

 

In the months to follow I spent more time grappling with my Intent. During February 2009 I attended a week of “Personal Excellence” development with Etsko Schuitema and a wonderful group of co-wayfarers. My final reflection after a week of meditation on my intent was as follows:

 

“Benevolent Intent was an important underpinning in my life. I embarked on my tasks and roles naively believing that if my intentions are good that the world will come out rosy. It took me 20 years to this point of understanding that trust enables courage in me and not necessarily in the other person.

 

I wanted to change the world by a string of good deeds. This often enabled the worst in people and not the best. I submitted to that I am ONLY responsible for my intent and that I do not react on life and people’s discourse, whether it is good or malevolent. It was my responsibility to trust the benevolence of the infinite benevolence of everything and the infinite courage in myself.

 

I went beyond the point of understanding why people made other people the means to their end. I accepted that by grace we are all growing and that we will all reach our ultimate destination because we are so loved.”

 

“What does giving mean to me now?

 

I give freely with absolutely no concern for the outcome, including making the world a better place. I realise that the world is already everything it is, was, will be.

 

I look at the creation, at the giants before me, at the infinitely talented people around me, whether it is their brilliant minds, or just the sheer genius of surviving a very cruel social environment, or even the unbridled naiveness of their arrogance.

 

How do I thank them for the impact that their existence made on my being. I can only fall down on my knees and know it is all exactly what it should be, life is good!”

 

I was grateful at this point, but still fearful.

 

 

“I am surfacing after weeks from the deep abyss.

I unknowingly invited the universe into my consciousness like I never did before,

A wildfire, raging, scorching the frailty of my flesh and bones

I surrender to knowing

I lay down the things of a child, with no regret, no regrets, no regrets

I stand in awe, brimming over - an ocean of gratitude

 

I submit to that I will pass this way again…”

 

It was when I was faced with another excruciating loss that it came down to a simple choice between Faith and Fear.

 

“Faith/ inward reflection Trust outward reflection Courage”

(From the model Malevolent Intention/Benevolent Intention, Etsko Schuitema)

 

 

Faith required me to submit my immediate self interest and accept the Now.

Fear agitates various attempts to control the outcome that would prevent the entering of the “exquisite new”, waiting with open arms.

 

It was during this time I struggled with understanding the balance between my interest and the interest of the Other. It was not that I do not have an interest and a hearts desire; it was about having faith in the Benevolence of everything.

 

I became the witness of the Other’s perfection. It was not for me to assess the Other, but for me to be in awe of everything.

 

“About Mercy

How do I thank you for changing my appreciation of the Beloved?

 

As I move into the Thou ness of -

It is not about me it is about the other

You took on the catastrophe on behalf of me

Sending the fire to meet me with no regard for my strategies to avoid it

Your mercy ignored my arguments and pleas to let this cup pass me by

You refused to believe that I do not have the power to withstand it

I sat in the Fire to the point of complete Submission

Through Your Grace I learned that Submission is the only truth worth Knowing

 

I am empty as a crystal

A prism of your Glory”

 

I submitted to the moment by seeing each moment in its fullness and responding accordingly moving away from Fear and Self Interest towards Trust and Courage. Suspending my interest was the catalyst for the creative power of the Now, with no concern for the past or the future.

 

(Refer to transactional correctness from the model Malevolent Intention/Benevolent Intention, Etsko Schuitema)

 

 

As I continued to practice this discipline my faith became stronger and my courage grew. I witnessed myself growing, moving closer to my full potential as being.

 

“About being available

 

Fired in the Potter’s Kiln

Transcendence from granite of gratitude to crystal clear contentment

A deep silence, except for the beating sound of Your Voice

No colours, except for prism of Your Glory

No aromas, except for your incense, aromatic oils filling the air

Enfolded in the warmth of your Love

I am waiting on You”

 

It was through the quality of my responses as I lived in the Now away from Self Interest and in Awe of Everything that transcending moments were strung together shaping a work of art  that left me breathless.

 

“About Awe and Contentment

 

As I gaze upon your beautiful Face-

Gasping for breath

I am torn between begging to see more

Or to scream out – turn away!

You are too Exquisite

I cannot take another morsel!

 

In awe and adoration to You”

 

 

My outer condition submitted to the eternal transcendence of the inner condition.

Love

 

I stand stripped, naked

From ambition and expectation

Paradise rediscovered,

Like Eve in a moment to moment discourse with You

May I never yearn to be clothed again.

 

 The outer did not change, but my inner state did. I could see the glory in everything. Simple things became so much more, things that were big and important became insignificant. I understood the song writer’s (William Wilberforce’s) words when he wrote, “I was blind but now I see”

 

“A conversation with the Benevolent

 

 

I accept that I was born to be joyful, loved and to love.

 

Although right now my body is aching with an ancient pain, it is burning the way towards renewal.

 

I submit to Your will and accept all the joy that is already in store for me.

 

I submit to You with the Knowledge that this very moment is perfect, a new beginning.  This very moment is innocent and creative.

 

I am truly romancing the ordinary. There are no events to celebrate, no attraction to look forward to, but the smallest of gestures, the simplest of meals, my animal’s joy, and all these things mean more, and everything.

 

I thought I could see before, but I was blind compared to the vividness of everything in this moment.”

 

I became acutely aware of my co-creative role, and that submission is about gaining true power and not the characteristic of a victim.  The transformation of the inner state was the purpose of the journey, as the focus was not on the external outcome, but on my internal state of being.

 

 

“Ecstasy

 

As I move into the sacred space of my sanctuary, Paternoster “Our Father” my request to You is – Today I want to experience Ecstasy and Joy?  I was designed for Paradise.

 

I come to You for Healing. Lying flat on my stomach on the Rock, grey ancient granite, with Your sun on my back and the drumming of the vast sea I hear your voice.

 It is done, it is complete.

 

I come upright; your fingers stroking my face, I ask speak to me.

From the centre of my being I hear a song, it is beautiful, rhythmic, a perfect sound.

I follow Your song, love, love, love…

 

As I sit in Your lap, I feel your healing, the Surgeon, Commanding me as I was Created, Whole.

 

Ah! Your wonder, as I listen to the flowers in perfect harmony singing Your beauty, your exquisiteness.

 

 

The Colours of Ecstasy

 

Magenta pink radiating You

White petals with a purple heart caressing the sun

Sunflower yellow dancing to your beat

Lush, softness of the jewel green underneath my feet

Perpetual humming

You are so loved

You are so loved

You are so loved”

 

 

 

 

Moving Beyond Loss and Re-Birth

 

To move from the safety of the womb towards the light we have to make our way through the birthing channel. (Insight by Fayruz Abrahams) This process is the “mess” of re-birth.

 

I was a runner (inspired by Fayruz Abrahams) in an ultra-marathon across an arduous and beautiful desert landscape, bleeding feet, aching muscles, dehydrating perspiration, and in exasperation pleaded with these words:

 

The Runner

 

Why do I join the race if all our efforts are destined to fail?

 

What is the use, if Ecstasy is also this arduous?

In the contradiction of tremendous loss and fulfilment

Contained in one soul, spirit, body and mind

 

Because the destination is submission and creative power

Everything else is an illusion.

***

 

Conversation with the Universe

 

You take my breath away

As I witness my physical and spiritual experience

In an ongoing conversation with the Universe

Beyond morality and law (Inspired by Etsko Schuitema)

I move into You

I am left in absolute awe and complete submission

By Your Grace

You are indeed Indescribable (Inspired by Louis Giglio)…

 

 

 

 

 

 

At a moment I least expected it in a state of complete exhaustion, piercing clarity dawns from the dust:

 

At the end of this race,

I gaze with amazement at the dawn of a brand new day.

Liberated from need and expectation,

 I am free to embrace innocence again,

In a complete state of transcendent sensuality.

  (Inspired by CS Lewis).

 

Ah!  The colours,

 The translucence of the day,

The tastes,

 The sounds,

 The textures,

 Lightness and Light.

 

 

Amanda Cronje

Dedicated to the Totality of the Beloved

2 October 2009

 

 

In Closure

 

The Smiles of God

Florence Hanson

 

God might have cared for every need of ours,

And yet, have made the earth without its flowers;

He might have given man every useful thing,

And yet, have made no tiny lark to sing.

 

He might have made to grow the plenteous herb,

Which can man’s malignant illness curb,

And yet, have made no rose or lily fair,

Or modest violet to perfume the air.

 

He could have made man splendid in physique,

And yet, within him no desire to seek

To rise above the level of the beast;

No hope of higher things when this life ceased.

 

But God created man with keen desire

To reach out with enthusiastic fire

For all that tends to enable and uplift,

With hope of heaven His great and wondrous gift.

 

These things to me all wonderfully prove

The over and abundance of His love;

On every rugged path which must be tread,

Like beacon lights shine, the smiles of God.

 

From Poems of Cheer

E Mortimer Ltd Printers

Halifax

Publishing date: 1940’s